The Reclamation of a Lost Ego

A lesson in what happens when your confidence is built on the wrong foundation. By B.Nicole

I lost my spark a long time ago.

It wasn’t all at once… it happened slowly, and I know exactly when it started to dim.

Almost 4 years ago, I was riding high on the wave of accomplishment. Baby, let me tell you, I had a switch in my walk - back straight, head held high, proud. All the healing and cheering for others on the sidelines had finally paid off; I had arrived.

I was moving up in my big girl job and didn’t have to sell my soul to progress. My husband and I were preparing to welcome a new addition, and I’ll be honest, my world felt so right that no one could tell me it would ever go wrong.

…but oh, how it did.

Six months into pregnancy, I found out that the company had been sold and we were now the casualties of layoffs. I disassociated immediately. I barely remember signing off on the severance and agreeing to stay on until the ship had submerged deeper than the Titanic. I came to work, skinning and grinning with the dimples on full display in an attempt to serve as an example of ‘trust the process’ and ‘everything happens for a reason’.

Lies. It was all lies!

I was telling bald-faced lies and telling them well. My 1:1s had turned into life-coaching sessions (we needed staff, and they needed hope). My PR training was finally paying off (because that degree was expensive AF), and I was able to get through the holidays, a traumatic birth, and the loss of a career with only dents in my armor.

all falls down…

…but here’s the thing about disassociation, eventually you’ll come back to reality. The longer you stay in this mode, operating from an out-of-body experience where you don’t feel a thing and simply go through the motions based off muscle memory, the harder the fall.

In this moment, I’m sitting in the debris. The demise of a now shattered ego that I’ve been trying to put back together. I feel raw. Hyper exposed to the elements of trial and error. Embarrassed that I have to rebuild purpose from scratch and a place of lack. Riddled in anxiousness, knowing that things will never be the same, that there are certain parts of my confidence that will have lingering scars… but that’s the point, right?

Our ego isn’t meant to be indestructible, nor is it meant to rest solely in the silo of a job, a relationship, or an accomplishment. It can exist in trial and error, in failure, and even in disappointment. Sitting in the mess, I realize that my ego was unhealthy. One that was so

connected to an outer entity that once it was gone, I couldn’t detach my self-worth or skill set without shattering the vessel completely.

Rebuilding is uncomfortable.

You will cut your fingers on the shattered pieces, get frustrated when you have to find new parts, and mourn the ones you have to throw away. It’s remembering to take breaks and breathe, stepping back to look at the foundation, and admiring how far you’ve come.

Now, don’t get it twisted. The new and improved version will be GRAND, built with my hands, heart, and talent. It will be beautiful and broken, a mosaic of who I was, who I am, and who I will be.

This is not only a reclamation of my ego but a reconnection to humble beginnings. A push to do hard things in the season of vulnerability, to embrace callings that were long pushed to the wayside because I felt that I had evolved past that. We often push ourselves to never look back, and I do believe that you have to explore that world, your world… but at the same time, your roots are what sustain you.

If you’re circling back to old dreams, desires, and versions of self - pull away from the ideology that this is a sign of regression. Instead, consider it (re)alignment with the things that you once thought were impossible; a reminder that during this shift, you’re meant to slow down and nurture the things that never had the opportunity to fully exist.

Here’s your reminder to:

Be your light.
Be your peace.
Be your cheerleader.
Be your friend.
Be patient.
Be kind.
Be gentle.
Be emotional.
Be audacious.
Be all the things you want and need to be.
And above all else…
Be the best love you’ve ever known.

In the words of Toni Morrison, “You are your best thing,” and now it’s time to act like it.

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